Anxiety and Ambition

Ambition

I turned 40 in 2011.  I felt it was a significant age in my life and you can read from this blog post and this journal entry:

Feb 14, 2011

'...Another area where I've been immature in that way is with my ambition and expecting God to 'show me the way and the direction for my life' during an auspicious time of my life (turning 40 for example) I just need to be patient and let god prepare me fir what he has for us. It's not an instant pancake mix.'

I had struggled with determining God's plan and purpose in my life for many years.  At that time I thought that the next 10 years of my life were essentially 'my peak' and I needed to do something with it.  My ambition switched into high gear.  Over the next 10 years I doubled down on work, volunteering, and writing on the side, trying to accomplish something significant.  

Anxiety - Panic Attacks

After several years of this, putting pressure on myself, I started to get panic attacks.  I'd get them in the middle of night, on the bus on the way to work.  I started to get concerned about this, which of course, didn't help, but rather exacerbated the issue.  This carried on for over a year.  Another journal entry:

July 23, 2013

On the bus home yesterday (first day of work after holidays) I started thinking about work and side work and things and started getting very anxious....

I'd even have these anxiety attacks at work!  In fact, one day I actually left work and went to the downtown hospital and asked them to give me an EKG because it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest.  Apparently everything looked fine, other than a high heart rate, so they sent me back to work.  At this point I realized that I was probably putting too much pressure on myself and decided to back-off a bit.

What was God Saying?

My interest in God's plan and purpose in my life, along with this 'hiccup' with ambition and anxiety made me 'pay attention' to sermons and verses I was hearing along the same lines.  Verses that stood out to me over the past 18 months or so are:

1 Thessalonians 4:11 "..and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you.."

Micah 6:8  "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.  And what does the Lord require of you?  To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

1 Chronicles 4:10  "Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request."

Isaiah 30:15  "In returning to Me and rest you shall be saved, In quietness and confident trust is your strength..."

Phillipians 4:6-7  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

God's message to me?  Stop trying to make things happen on my own.  What I focus on gets larger.  I must trust that God is more than capable to align the people and events in my life with my motivation and experience to accomplish His purpose and plan - whatever that may be - through me.  I need to be obedient, humble, pray, and keep on moving forward, one step at a time.

Working Towards God's Rest (Summer 2024 Journal Entry)

Working Hard

Have you ever worked really hard for a long time without a break or a vacation?  There was a period when our kids were very young that we couldn't afford to go on a vacation for around 5 years.  It was a trying time, and I was overdue for a vacation, a rest.

At work right now I'm in the middle of a rather intense year.  There are a lot of eyes (senior management, c-suite executives, and customers) closely watching our project and we've been given very aggressive deadlines to meet whilst training new people on our platform.  Work happens almost 24/7 because our teams are in timezones around the world - I've got 6 different timezones with 18 hrs of difference just with the members of my team. Lots of extra hours, fervour, concentration, zest, positive tension and passion makes it difficult to disengage from work after I've left my desk.

I've been thinking about Moses and the Israelites coming out of Egypt.  They had been literally slaving away for 400 years without vacations.  God wanted to give them a rest in the Promised Land.  But when God led them away from their work and placed the offer of rest in front of them, they balked.  Rather stuck in a rut, they couldn't get past their fear, didn't believe in the offer or that God would help them obtain it, and consequently wandered in the wilderness for 40 years.    

Sometimes its difficult to get out of an old mindset:

- From unbelief to believing.  

- From doing to being.

- From the treadmill of 'slavery' and works (doing things to 'achieve' God's approval, to God's rest)

God's Offer of Rest

The writer of Hebrews makes it abundantly clear in chapters 3 and 4 that we've been offered that same rest as Moses and the children of Israel.  I believe that offer of rest is a multi-faceted promise:

• Rest in the here-and-now because of God's promises for us today that say things like 'Be anxious for nothing, but in everything through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God, and the God of peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus'
• And rest in the here-after in heaven.

That offer still stands for us now! Listen to the beginning of Hebrews 4:

"For as long, then, as that promise of resting in him pulls us on to God’s goal for us, we need to be careful that we’re not disqualified. We received the same promises as those people in the wilderness, but the promises didn’t do them a bit of good because they didn’t receive the promises with faith. If we believe, though, we’ll experience that state of resting. But not if we don’t have faith."

Joyce Meyer suggests that the rest of God is not a rest from work—it’s a rest in work. It’s partnering with God to do what He is calling me to do by His grace.  Listen to this (talking emphatically to myself): Trusting that since God's called you into this work, He'll align the people and events with the experience and training you've got to 'work together to accomplish His good purpose.'

An Analogy

The Bible often draws metaphors between God's followers and sheep.  Consider sheep: They don't really 'do' anything to provide value to the shepherd or owner.  They just eat, grow, grow wool, reproduce...  What they 'need to do' to be successful, is trust their shepherd.  If they can't do that, there's problems. They'll be anxious, go hunger or thirsty, and potentially get into trouble or wander off.  Trust and rest walk hand in hand.  You can't really be trusting if you're worried, anxious, or fearful.  All of those emotions make it difficult to rest.  

Sheep resting
Photo by Ambitious Studio* | Rick Barrett on Unsplash

Jesus asks and calls after us in Matthew 11, 'Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.'

Another Offer of Rest - Sept 2024 Update

This fall continues to be busy for me at work.  I've additionally been struggling with some incongruity between the responsibilities I've been given and my official position/title.  Several times 'what is fair?' has threatened to overwhelm my thoughts and I've been tempted to communicate something rash.  This issue came front and centre last Monday after mid-year employee 'Success Reviews.'  I needed to hear from God what to do, as I felt justified to push back hard.  I prayed that God would speak to me, and He did, quite directly given the situation and my meditations in this blog post, through a verse in Isaiah:

For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel,
“In returning and rest you shall be saved;
in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”
Isaiah 30:15

Follow-up Thoughts

In Genesis, Jacob (son of Isaac, grandson of Abraham) did things on his own.  He worked 14 years for his wives, grew his flock, moved rocks, etc.  He perhaps found it easy to trust in his own strength.  Then God performs an intervention in his life with wrestling match, and essentially forces Jacob into a period of rest by permanently throwing his leg out of joint.  After that, Jacob had to trust God for everything.  Its an interesting foreshadowing of what happens with the Israelites in Egypt...

A microscopic subset of the people who left Egypt actually entered into the promised land - Joshua and Caleb - out of everybody!  Is this a foreshadowing of the ratio of the remanent of the church?  That's a sobering thought!

Prayer and Love - Even Better? Journal Entry July 2024

 I'm travelling for work this week to Vilnius, Lithuania.  On the flight from Amsterdam to Vilnius yesterday, a mother and her son (who was about 6-7 years old) were sitting next to me.  Apparently, she had bought him a little Pokemon Go ball about the size of a quarter.  That was his 'go to' toy for the trip.  He fell asleep on her lying on her lap not too long into the 2 hour flight and slept most of the way.  He dropped that ball once and his mom picked it up and he wanted it back in his hand before he fell back to sleep again.  She held his hand, and stroked his fingers and fixed his hair while he slept.  When he woke up after we landed, he was proudly showing everyone his ball as we waited to disembark from the plane...

Later this morning, trying to sleep around my jet lag, I was thinking/praying about the verse '...the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases...' (see why I do that here) and was reminded of this picture of that mother and her son on the plane.  This other verse from the book Matthew (Jesus talking about prayer) came to mind:

"If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust?  If he asks for a fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate?  As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing.  You're at least decent to your own children.  So don't you think God who conceived you in love will be even better?"

I found a lot of comfort, encouragement, and love in this message, along with that picture of a mother's love for her son and his ball on the plane.

Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

A Real Escape - Journal Early 2020's

The Escape

The Horse and His Boy from C. S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia was one of my favourite books to read as a child.  With a book and my imagination I could lose my life and find a different one for a while.  What an escape!  I'd finish the book and feel sad and wistful.  Back to reality, schoolwork, chores and music practice at home.  I wanted a life like Shasta, the protagonist in The Horse and His Boy - non-stop adventure, travel, heroism, a girlfriend...

A couple years later I went to see Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back as a double feature.  I had never been to a movie theater before.  I was blown away.  As we drove the 90 minutes back home, the stars in the sky seemed to beckon me,  but I couldn't fly away.  A melancholy ache washed over me as I compared my life with Luke Skywalker... 

Over the years, more books and movies temporarily offered escape followed up by a subsequent rude awaking to real life.  Then came Facebook, YouTube, Instagram and SnapChat.  I could get an escape in minutes instead of hours.  Unfortunately, that escape almost always came with a comparison - my life versus the main character.  My life always seemed to come up short.

A Snapshot Vs. The Truth

Stories and tales are one thing.  True stories and biographies are next level.  Even then, I need to be careful what I absorb, and what I embrace as truth. Is what I see in a moment, a snapshot, a SnapChat, a YouTube video, a movie, a book, the whole truth about someone’s life or the way a life is lived? Can a 30 second video, or a 2 minute movie, a chapter in the Bible, or a book really speak to the entire existence of a life?  

I must realize that all of these mediums only show me snapshots  If I don't remember that, I can fall into a terrible trap.  Comparison is nasty. It turns out one of two ways, and they are both wrong - it’s either I’m better, or I don’t measure up.  More often than not, I don't measure up - whether its someone else's vacation, their car, their fish story, their job, or their adventure.  Its a recipe for depression.

Photo by Mason Kimbarovsky on Unsplash

Escape from 'The Escape'

Jesus offers me an escape from all of this.  He says:

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly."  Matthew 11:28-30

I need to put down my phone, my iPad, walk away from my computer desk, and seek first God's kingdom and His will.

When I start reading about the amazing things other people have done, or watching clips or movies of inspirational stories, my ambition gets fired up.  I think I need to DO something impactful!  The Apostle Paul reminds me to: "...make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands".  1 Thessalonians 4:11

A final reminder from the prophet Micah as paraphrased by Eugene Peterson in The Message:

"It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbour,
    be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don’t take yourself too seriously—
    take God seriously."   Micah 6:8

Healing Love and Coffee - A Parable of Marriage

Start with Beans - A Cord of Three Strands

The Bible says in Galatians: 'A man reaps what he sows'.   Making good coffee is no different.  A man needs to start with good beans and a good roast.  Similar with marriage.  Begin rooted in God, and always turn to Him for help.

When Ewa and I got married, we chose a popular 'marriage verse' from proverbs as our promise from God, that He would help us in our union:  "A cord of three strands is not easily broken." Eccl. 12:3.  The meaning we took from this verse was Ewa and I each were a strand, God being the third strand.  As long as we remained close to God, He would help us stay together.

Photo by The Ian on Unsplash

The Grind - Life isn't Easy

You've got to grind those beans so the flavour comes out.  That's not really a peaceful, relaxing process.

The first five years of marriage for me were no cake-walk.  Ewa and I got married when I was 23 and she was 29 - so there was an age difference to content with.  Additionally, we grew up in different countries on different continents and had different mother tongues.  Ensuring our communication is effective and we genuinely understand each other in conversations is an ongoing challenge.  Vocal inflections, the use of imperative verbs, and how we tell stories can stimulate static in our relationship.

And then of course, life happens.  We lived in Poland together for a year after we got married, and then felt God telling us to move to Alberta (more details about that here).  We were geographically separated for 9 months while I worked in Canada and sponsored Ewa's immigration.  Our 'honeymoon vacation' didn't happen until she became a landed immigrant in Canada, nearly 2 years after we got married.  Soon afterwards we had to navigate employment issues and a career change, all the while trying to walk with God and believing he was with us.  I'd say the career change definitely 'nicked' that cord of three stands, even though we believed God was leading us that direction.

The Brew - Learn How to Truly Love

The 'love' that is espoused by this generation's media is like a coffee beverage made fast with syrup (I'm thinking of a Tim Horton's iced capp for you Canadians).  A good coffee brew however, takes time and hot water.  I think true love in a marriage grows over time and with trials, persistence, and patience.  

Around 2016-2018 I think both Ewa and myself found ourselves letting the busyness, worries, comparisons, anxieties, and frustrations of this life cause us to 'fall out of love' with each other.  While its easy to 'look for options', or escapes, or even use threatening ultimatums in those trying times, those aren't healthy paths to consider.

Getting to the 'end of my rope' (sorry, I know I'm mixing metaphors in the post - I hope you can follow along), I asked God for help with our marriage.  I needed:

1. A new perspective of who Ewa was - God's perspective.  
2. To learn how to truly love her again.

God answered the my first request by helping me see Ewa as a little girl - something I had never seen or experienced, because I met Ewa when she was 29.  But she was still His little girl, so He knew how to make that happen. How did God help me see/experience that?

• He told me to watch her when she slept/napped.  People let down their guard - all pretences fall away - when they sleep!  Its actually not hard to 'rewind time' and visualize a younger person when they are asleep.
• He suggested I listen closer to her stories when she was a child and then helped me draw parallels to some of her current behaviours.  That helped my understand why she was afraid of some things, why her shopping habits were totally different than mine, and even why her personal communication and story-telling followed different patterns than I would expect (BTW, I still struggle with waiting for her to 'get to the point')

With the second request, I felt God was prompting me to 'do' something, to somehow show Ewa that I loved her in a meaningful and persistent way.  This came with two ideas:

• Making her coffee every morning.  I don't drink coffee myself, but I am up earlier than Ewa for work every day.  So I learned how she makes her coffee and I made that my morning 'labour of love'. 
  The results of this actually surprised me.  I don't know what I was expecting, but clearly Ewa appreciates her morning coffee being brewed for her a lot more than I realized.  It went miles further than I expected it would in helping her feel I was loving and caring for her.  I still make her morning coffee to this day.
• Calling her by her Polish diminutive name and other loving nicknames instead of her 'plain, legal' name.  She much prefers I call her 'Ewunia' or 'Baby-doll' or some other fun nick-names.  I honestly don't know how I missed this in our first 15-20 years of marriage, because it also made a huge difference for us.

This is THE coffee machine mentioned above.

Savour the Flavour

For all these steps and suggestions above to work, I had to persist in them, and I had to be patient to wait for the result.  I'd also say that I'm definitely not perfect, and there are times where Ewa has extended grace, mercy, and forgiveness to me when I was not so lovable.  It takes three cords to make that strong rope, and this post mostly focuses on two of those cords.  I'm sure Ewa has her own perspective on this marriage journey of ours and her own bean 'blend' and 'flavour' she savours.

I'm thankful to say that now the majority of our time together we can be silly, have fun with each other, and enjoy each other's company.  My wife and I are celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary this year!  

Click here for more true stories of God working in my life

A Benediction

When I started writing this post, I made some notes on generic things that I thought helped put our relationship back together.  Those quick notes looked like this below:

• Persist in:
• an intentional relationship with God
• being real and honest with God
• loving mercy and walking in forgiveness
• hope and faith in God - that He is a good Father and your safety is found in Him

What I thought was cool later when I reviewed them is they actually align with parts of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (the love chapter):

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Vacations and Volvos

God Cares

God cares about the little things.  More than once on a family vacation, He gave me a mini-parable of His tender mercy in providing safe, comfortable transportation for us to use.  This is important to me as a Dad and husband, and really means a lot to me.  As often as we rent cars on vacation (not very often), I couldn't help but notice that we ended up with a Volvo SUV on more than one occasion.  Volvos are a brand I never thought I'd drive because I considered them a luxury vehicle.  Here's those stories.

Volvo 1 

Up until 2012, I had never rented a vehicle.  That year we decided to do a 2 week trip to California and 'splurge' a bit on vacation.  We got a vacation rental in a nice coastal town and rented a Ford Explorer with all the bells and whistles, including a moon roof.  

We flew into L.A., and when we got the car rental agency, they said the Ford Explorer wasn't available.  I don't recall exactly why, but it was because of something out of their control.  I was quite disappointed, as I really wanted to experience (and have the kids experience) a moon roof.  Fortunately, before I got my knickers in knot about this, the agency offered to upgrade us to a Volvo XC90.  I wasn't expecting an upgrade, and it was a great surprise.  It felt like God was saying, 'Its ok, Perry - I got this.'  I definitely enjoyed driving that vehicle around southern California for the next two weeks.

Our Volvo XC90 in a hotel parking lot by Disneyland.

Volvo 2

Seven years later, we did another significant family trip - this time to see family in Poland.  We decided to rent a vehicle for the 2nd half of the trip as we'd be driving around southern Poland a fair bit, taking the kids to see where my wife grew up, doing some exploring into the Czech Republic, and visiting relatives.  When we booked this vehicle online, we didn't know exactly what make and model we'd get.  It was just a 'mid-size 5 seat SUV'

Lo and behold, when we got the rental agency at the airport, the only SUV they had left was a Volvo XC 40.  What a great vehicle for 'zipping around' on a European vacation - small enough to park anywhere easily and manoeuvre on some those skinny European roads, and it had all the features we needed, including GPS which was super helpful on the unfamiliar drives.

Again, it felt like God was saying 'Let me help you enjoy your family vacation.  Don't worry about the SUV, I've got that covered.'  

The XC40 parked in Ewa's brother's driveway in Poland

"And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.
So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."
Luke 12:7

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Remembering The Kindness Of God in Raising Our Kids

Remembering God's Kindness

I regularly read devotions from the ministry 'Our Daily Bread.'  Recently this particular one hit home with me.  It references a couple verses in Isaiah that immediately made me think of a situation with each of our kids growing up, and how God's kindness to them (and to us as parents) really helped.  The verses go like this:

'I'll make a list of God's gracious dealings,

all the things God has done that need praising,

All the generous bounties of God,

His great goodness to the family of Israel - 

Compassion lavished, love extravagant'

.....

In all their troubles, he was troubled too.

He didn't send someone else to help them.

He did it himself, in person.

Out of His own love and pity he redeemed them.

He rescued them and carried them along for a long, long time.'

Isaiah 63:7, 9

Our Daughter and Anxiety

When our daughter was going into grade 7, our whole family agreed together that both kids would switch schools to a local Christian school.  It was really important that we engaged them in that decision because that first year in the new school for Kornelia wasn't easy.  She had a hard time making friends, and had an intense struggle with anxiety.  Sometime she found it hard to sit in class because of this, and large assemblies with the whole school were agony for her.

Her teacher, and particularly the assistant teacher for her class began to pressure us to get some professional help for her.  We weren't keen on jumping into this right away, and did a lot of praying and talking with Kornelia about it.  We were going to a small group at the time, and one of the ladies there was a counsellor.  When we informally ran our concerns about Kornelia by her, she agreed with us that trying to work with Kornelia personally and patiently was the best plan forward.  Gradually, over the course of the next couple of years, as Kornelia became more comfortable with the school, the teachers, and her classmates, God took the anxiety away.  

God's kindness in this entire experience was evident when, at graduation, Kornelia played her guitar and sang solo alone on stage in front of the entire assembly of graduates and their families.  Following the ceremony, her grade 7 teacher signed Kornelia's grad picture frame with 'God is good!  Look at how far you've come since grade 7, Kornelia!'  

The fam at Kornelia's Grad Ceremony

Our Son and Community

The same school move had an impact on our son Erik as well.  He also had a difficult time finding friends, and was bullied during that first year after the move (yes, in a Christian school).  He's a sensitive guy and this troubled him for some time.  He would have a close friend for a while, but then that friend would find another interest (or friend), or move away, and Erik would feel alone again.  

This feeling was magnified for Erik when as a junior he was asked to play drums with the senior worship team.  He made good friends there, but they weren't in his grade and he lamented that fact on numerous occasions.  I don't think I understood just how important friends and community were for Erik at the time.  I'm not sure he knew how to articulate it, or if I missed a queue somewhere.  Its quite possible he did communicate his heart in this area to his Mom and I underestimated its importance.

Erik got older and this particular school had a tradition of taking its grade 11 classes on a missions/field trip to an orphanage in Guatemala.  It was a big deal for every student in grade 11, and the class prepared all year for the trip with fundraisers, training, and planning skits and work teams.  All the parents, including us, prayed that the trip would have a life changing impact on our kids.  In Erik's case it had a significant, lasting affect.

I don't know all the details of what happened, but apparently in one of the evening debriefs with the class, the lead chaperone pleaded to not leave what happened there behind.  This left an impact on Erik and he felt that God was prompting him to do something about it.  He made a promise to not remain passive anymore but to be active in building community.  And when they got home, he took the initiative to make that happen.

Since that time, continuing all the way to current day (6 years later!) he and a number of his friends from that class have been meeting as a small group - of their own accord - on a weekly or bi-weekly basis.  Its not always a spiritual discussion, and that's fine.  They keep each other accountable and look out for each other.  Its really been special to see how God has answered the cry of Erik's heart for friendship and community from when he was young.

A candid snapshot of Erik from the Guatemala trip

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A Prayer - For Friends and Family Who Don't Know God

 Dear God,

Thank You, that its Your kindness that leads us to repentance. 
Thank You, that You are the Good Shepherd who leaves the flock to save the one missing sheep.
Thank You, that You are willing that none should perish, but all should come to eternal life with You.

A Prayer for Family and Friends who don't Know God

God, I pray for my close family who don't know You,
For my extended family that doesn't know You,
For the people that I work with that don't know You,
And for the people I happen to bump into today that don't know You...

Help them all to:

• Have open eyes to look and see Your kindness in their lives, past and present.  To see Your grace and love are greater than any bad thing that they have done, or will do.  
• Have open ears to listen and hear Your works of kindness encouraging, calling, beckoning, and guiding them.
• Have open hearts and understanding to grasp and embrace Your kindness, Your heart for them, how big You are, and everything You've done for them, past and present.  May they acknowledge in their life here that every good thing they've received and have is from You and Your kindness.  

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

God, please bring people across their path who know You, who are filled with Your grace and love.  May those people point my family and friends to You and Your kindness in their lives.  Help me to also be someone like that.

The Names of God - Jehovah Rapha

 God Our Healer

Why am I writing about the names of God? 
This name of God came about days after God parted the Red Sea for Moses and the Israelites.  Three days march inland they came to a place with water, but it was bitter.  God had Moses throw a stick in the water and the water became 'sweet.'  God then spoke to Moses saying (Exodus 15:26):

"If you listen, listen obediently to how God tells you to live in his presence, obeying his commandments and keeping all his laws, then I won’t strike you with all the diseases that I inflicted on the Egyptians;

I am God your healer."

In My Life...

Looking back, I can quickly think of several instances of God's healing work in my life.  Sometimes it was in conjunction with doctors.  Other times it was unexplainable naturally.  I've already written blog posts about a couple of these situations.  Here's the links to them:

• The Summer After College
• 90's Trip to Europe - The Engagement Ring

My Second Bike Accident

See this link for a story on my first bad bike accident. 
I really enjoy mountain/trail riding with my bike in the summer.  Late July last summer (2022) I set out after work to do some trail riding in a large city park close to our house (Nose Hill Park).  The grass on the sides of the path had grown tall by this time, and the trails themselves where wore into the soil a ways from all the bike traffic - like one large rut.  

A trail in Nose Hill Park

I was tired, and going fast because I 'knew the trail well.'  Going around a left corner, I cut it short brushing against the tall grass and my front tire got caught up on the rutted side of the path.  I couldn't compensate my balance fast enough and fell off to the side, with my left hip taking the full force of the fall against a large rock embedded in the ground.  

The force of that stop almost knocked the wind out of me - certainly the pain in my hip took my breath away.  I fought through a minute or two of medical shock, and then walked around.  My while left leg was burning like my arm does when I hit my funny bone really badly.  After recovering for about 5 minutes, I abandoned the rest of my ride and slowly rode back home - fortunately it was downhill all the way.  I was in pain.

After a week, I still could not sleep on my left side and it was still somewhat painful to walk.  Sitting for work everyday was a chore - I did a lot of standup working during that time.  I decided to go see the doctor because things didn't seem to be healing as fast as I'd hoped, and my wife and I were planning to fly to Europe to see her family at the end of August.  I didn't see how that flight was going to work with the way my hip/leg was feeling.

The doctor had me take some x-rays, and then said they'd call if there was something further to be done.  I didn't hear from them for almost three weeks and THEN they called and said 'Oh, there's something with your x-ray that doesn't look right - like you may have fractured you pelvis.  Can we have you take another one?'  Great.  OK.  Did another round of x-rays and everything on them looked fine.  Good thing too, because we were leaving in a week, and the bone(s) already had weeks to heal.  

I was still very concerned about the flight as sitting for longer than an hour was uncomfortable.  Nine hours with minimal ability to move sounded a bit scary.  I prayed and asked God for help.  On the flight out, I had to use special pillows and sometimes get up and stand a while.   The very cool thing though, was on the flight home, I didn't feel the pain AT ALL!  I didn't have to use my special pillows or anything.  God healed my hip!

Cancer Healed!

Not long after we flew home, Ewa's mom was diagnosed with skin cancer on her forehead.  Unfortunately, it had been left for some time, so by the time it was treated with radiation (early spring 2023), a significant wound was left to heal.  While that was healing, she noticed some swelling on her neck around her ear.  She didn't think much of this at the time, but a couple of months later it had swelled quite large and was very painful.  After finally seeing the doctor about that, it was also diagnosed as cancer.

The doctors wouldn't prescribe chemo-therapy because they said it would basically kill Ewa's Mom, given her advanced age.  As a result, 5 rounds of radiation were prescribed again to try and deal with this new scourge.  After several weeks of relief following the final round of radiation for this new set of tumors,  swelling and pain started again.  Ewa's mom was so exhausted of all of this, she said she wasn't interested in more radiation or treatment going forward.  She had a visit with the doctor scheduled for Dec. 5 to see what the prognosis would be.

The Saturday before Dec. 5, we spoke with Ewa's Mom on the phone and things didn't sound good.  Getting off the phone, Ewa and I prayed believing the verses:

“...If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask,
my Father in heaven will do it for you."  Matt 18:19

and

"....Pray for one another so that you might be healed. The prayer of a godly person is powerful. Things happen because of it."  James 5:16

Dec. 5 came, and Ewa's brother called with a report about the doctor visit.  Everything went fine, no further radiation is required at this point, Mom looks and feels well.

What?  Ewa was confused, and immediately phoned her Mom.  Her Mom said on Saturday night she went to bed and she could hardly sleep because of the pain, but in the end she fell asleep... and slept better than she'd slept in weeks.  Waking up, she discovered that the swelling and the pain were gone, and the wound by her ear had closed up and was dry.  She had slept fine every night since.  At the doctor's office, the doctor hardly recognized Ewa's Mom because she had no dressing on the wound and she looked normal and healthy.  The doctor said, "You look like a new woman!"  God is good and He still heals!

Ewa with her parents in 2019

Other Names of God and My Experiences...

• El Roi - God Sees
• Jehovah Shalom - God My Peace
• Elohim Shomri - God My Protection
• Jehovah Jireh - God My Provider
• Emmanuel - God With Us

Dream - God's Way

Dreaming

I used to enjoy listening to public speakers, pastors, and motivational gurus expound on 'Dream large!' and 'Follow your dream!' etc.  I love future thinking.  In fact, its one of my strongest strengths.  Dreaming large for me was easy.  When I considered the actual execution of those dreams and mixing that with ambition, practical living, and immediate responsibilities... some dreams stayed dreams, or only got half done.  As it turns out, Responsibility is my strongest strength, and I wasn't going to let my dreams take precedence over family life.  Hearing talks about dreaming started to get discouraging.

A Different Perspective

One day as I was reflecting on this (and perhaps wondering at the purpose of my life a little bit), I realized something:  God had been faithful to the 'dreams' in our hearts which we hadn't even entirely verbalized or prayed - dreams that were more meaningful and foundational than career pinnacles or bucket lists.  Let me explain further..

Years ago while Ewa and I were on our honeymoon here in Canada, we mused 'Wouldn't it be nice if we could bring Ewa's parents from Poland here to Canada and let them see what its like here.'  Her parents had never been outside Poland, and the beauty of the areas we were honeymooning was impossible to convey in a letter or a phone call. 

For me there was an additional unspoken, wishful thought of 'as our children grow up, what would be the ideal frequency of family visits given Ewa's side of the family lives in Poland?'  I never seriously considered what the 'right' answer would be - there was only the desire that the kids would be exposed to both sides of their family heritage and culture. 

We did not have resources to accomplish these 'dreams' at the time.  But God knew.  Over the years, He provided for means and resources to bring Ewa's parents here to Canada several times for extended stays, and for us to take our children to Poland several times as well.  Every visit had great memories and experiences for our kids and Ewa's family.  

As I considered this from the vantage point of grown children and completed trips and visits, I realized God had a different, better dream for us all along - one that included families, cultures, countries, and languages.  I was moved and filled with gratitude, realizing what God had brought about.

Click here for more true stories of God working in my life

Dreams Come True

Some great memories:

Ewa's parents with us in the Canadian Rockies on their 
first trip to Canada in July 1997

Ewa's parents 2nd trip to Canada in Summer 1999
Here Kornelia is enjoying playing with Ewa's
Mom in Slave Lake, Alberta

Ewa's parents 3rd trip to Canada in 2006.
Here we're all playing on a playground in Radium, BC

This was also taken on Ewa's parents 3rd trip to
Canada.  Here they're enjoying a walk along Long
Beach on Vancouver Island.  This was one place in
particular we 'dreamed' about taking them

 Christmas/New Years 2007/2008
We were able to go to Poland and celebrate the
holidays as well as Ewa's parents 50th wedding
anniversary.

This is from that same Christmas trip.  On the return
flight home we were upgraded to business class on
the flight over the Atlantic Ocean. 
A real treat for all of us!

Ewa's parents last trip to Canada in 2009.
Here we're having a BBQ/picnic at a local park in 
Calgary with my parents

In 2013, Ewa's brother and his family were able to join us
for 3 weeks in the Summer.  Here we're enjoying a visit and
a laugh in our living room with my parents and brother.

We were able to visit Ewa's family in Summer, 2019
Ewa is with our kids, standing in front of Florian's
Gate in old town, Krakow

Peter - A Strong Statement and Grace (June 2023 Journal Entry)

A Strong Statement

I was reading a devotional this week and it mentioned Peter denying Christ with some other thoughts, and it got me thinking...

Both Matthew and Luke record Jesus saying "But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven." - a pretty hard-core, black and white statement that I'm sure Peter heard.  I certainly heard it in Sunday School and church growing up.  

Here's what struck me this week, after years of growing up with church teaching:

• Peter must've been present and heard Jesus say "..deny me before men, and I'll deny you before my Father..." at some point while he was a disciple.
• Most of the Gospels record Peter committing to following Jesus to death during the last supper, and Jesus responding with "Truly, I tell you, this very night you will deny me three times..."  Jesus knew Peter would deny him.  Jesus' words about 'deny me and I'll deny you before my Father' ring loudly in my ears!
• Peter denied Jesus 3 times, just as Jesus said he would. Peter wept bitterly after he realized what he'd done.
• Following Jesus' resurrection, Jesus forgave Peter and commissioned him for ministry and building/leading the church. 

Photo by Jackson David on Unsplash

Grace

So...  the behaviour of Jesus towards Peter when they met after the resurrection makes me think Jesus won't deny Peter before the Father in heaven.  'But, but, but....  Jesus said...'   My mind worked overtime trying to reconcile Jesus' strong statement with this behaviour.  

My conclusion?  I need a new, deeper understanding of God's grace.  A hymn and a verse quickly came to mind:

• Grace Greater Than All Our Sin
      Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
      Freely bestowed on all who believe!
      You that are longing to see His face,
      Will you this moment His grace receive?
          Refrain:
          Grace, grace, God’s grace,
          Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
          Grace, grace, God’s grace,
          Grace that is greater than all our sin!
  
  
• John 1:14
  The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth