My First 'Real' Journal Entry March 18, 1990

Journal - March 18, 1990   No Compromise (Keith Green)

I just finished reading Keith Green's biography, No Compromise, and I'm touched.  He was definitely used of God.

In reading the book I cannot help but wonder what God's plan for my life is.  There is talk of a trip to Europe next year with Floyd, Warren, and Andrew (friends from college).  What of that?  Or even what I'm going to do for work this summer.  Or even for the rest of this semester.  It seems whenever I'm touched by who the Lord is or what the Lord has done in somebody's life, I don't know what I'm to do anymore.  There was no real sense of calling in me being here (at Bible college).  I was too lazy to go anywhere else.  (this is the truth).  Nothing special has happened to me this year BUT maybe that's because I haven't done anything special for the Lord.  I keep on finding I'm too far too selfish in all my motives.  Everything I do is for a better me.  I need God's help to get me out of this jam.  But I can't get His help unless I have a good relationship with Him and right now I know him the least of anybody on this campus.

Why am I here?  Where am I going?

California was an interesting experience for me spiritually.  (A group of us from college took reading break and drove down the west coast to LA).  Ups and downs like you wouldn't believe.  Also going home to Ken and Mariella's wedding (friends from my home town) was the same way.  Especially at Kelly's (friend from high school).  I've got to live with No Compromise.

I often wonder at times why I can't think of things.  I used to be so smart.  Now there are times when I can't keep one thought straight in my head.  Often, I find its the same way with my Christian walk.  I can't keep one belief or doctrine straight in my head, and too lazy to look it up and find the answer so I ignore it as if it wasn't there, it seems.

Here I am writing this while I have a 8-10 page Historical Liturature paper due last Friday that I haven't even started yet.  I know I suffer the consequences if I'm late (which I am) but I'm glad I'm not (low?) enough to ask for extensions.  At least I have something straight in my life.  And I never realized it before.  I actually have values I didn't even know were there.

One thing that always bothered me is that I thought I was special.  That one day I'd become a star or some whiz kid who had all the answers.  I didn't and I'm not.  At first I just thought I was special, then after I knew more, I thought God had a special calling on my life, mainly because of all the talents and attributes he has given me.  I don't know anymore...  I've never really been inspired to write the words to a song and finish them.  My 4-track song recordings bore people.  They don't see what I see in it.  It also seems I can't relate to a Christian crowd like I can relate to a secular crowd.  Maybe because I was selfish? Gnosticism?

The thing is, there doesn't seem to be much time left, the prophesies of Daniel and Revelation are being fulfilled dramatically and promptly and I'm nowhere yet.  I wonder if there's time.  And if there isn't then why am I wasting time in college and not on the streets or in missions?  You don't need to go to Bible School to be a missionary.

***

Thoughts on this entry almost 30 years later...
I can always tell when I've watched a great new moving and read a fantastic book that's had a big impact on me because it leaves me unsettled with where I am in life currently.  For many years, that unsettled feeling concerned me.  I would wonder 'Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing?', or 'Did I miss God's perfect will for my life?'

I'll have future journal entry posts that will talk more about this.  Suffice for now to say that I've come to a point where I've realized that God is much bigger than I thought back then.  His grace covers much more than I realized.  Resting in His grace (like Keith discovered later in the book) is a good thing, on many levels.

The last couple lines in this entry were definitely looking forward and feeling something different and new - this was the beginning of a change in direction for me.  I didn't realize it until a few months later.