Anxiety and Ambition

Ambition

I turned 40 in 2011.  I felt it was a significant age in my life and you can read from this blog post and this journal entry:

Feb 14, 2011

'...Another area where I've been immature in that way is with my ambition and expecting God to 'show me the way and the direction for my life' during an auspicious time of my life (turning 40 for example) I just need to be patient and let god prepare me fir what he has for us. It's not an instant pancake mix.'

I had struggled with determining God's plan and purpose in my life for many years.  At that time I thought that the next 10 years of my life were essentially 'my peak' and I needed to do something with it.  My ambition switched into high gear.  Over the next 10 years I doubled down on work, volunteering, and writing on the side, trying to accomplish something significant.  

Anxiety - Panic Attacks

After several years of this, putting pressure on myself, I started to get panic attacks.  I'd get them in the middle of night, on the bus on the way to work.  I started to get concerned about this, which of course, didn't help, but rather exacerbated the issue.  This carried on for over a year.  Another journal entry:

July 23, 2013

On the bus home yesterday (first day of work after holidays) I started thinking about work and side work and things and started getting very anxious....

I'd even have these anxiety attacks at work!  In fact, one day I actually left work and went to the downtown hospital and asked them to give me an EKG because it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest.  Apparently everything looked fine, other than a high heart rate, so they sent me back to work.  At this point I realized that I was probably putting too much pressure on myself and decided to back-off a bit.

What was God Saying?

My interest in God's plan and purpose in my life, along with this 'hiccup' with ambition and anxiety made me 'pay attention' to sermons and verses I was hearing along the same lines.  Verses that stood out to me over the past 18 months or so are:

1 Thessalonians 4:11 "..and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you.."

Micah 6:8  "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.  And what does the Lord require of you?  To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

1 Chronicles 4:10  "Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request."

Isaiah 30:15  "In returning to Me and rest you shall be saved, In quietness and confident trust is your strength..."

Phillipians 4:6-7  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

God's message to me?  Stop trying to make things happen on my own.  What I focus on gets larger.  I must trust that God is more than capable to align the people and events in my life with my motivation and experience to accomplish His purpose and plan - whatever that may be - through me.  I need to be obedient, humble, pray, and keep on moving forward, one step at a time.